Circles and Circles and Circles Again

I feel it rumbling from the depths once again.

It seems as if it has come along sooner than expected, but then again the cycle was interrupted. Between “losing” his medication and his youngest boy staying with us for the summer and the anticipation of getting his daughter, things have been stirred up quite a little bit. I knew it was coming I just thought the darkness would have taken a little longer to settle in. He seems to be fighting it quite bravely, though.

Except when it comes to me. His barriers come down with me.

Is that a good thing?

Of course it is. Sometimes. When he is doing well and is wanting to share his happiness with someone.

But now he has his boy.

Wait, I’m not jealous! In fact, I love watching him giggle and play with his kid. Watching the two of them interact with one another, knowing how long it has been since the two of them have been able to relax and laugh and play and just love one another brings me tears of joy just writing about it. I almost feel as if I am invading when I am in the presence of the two of them. It really is a beautiful and magical thing.

He admitted to me this afternoon that he is starting to feel moody. He didn’t have to tell me that, I already noticed. Now that he has said it out loud, however, it’s as if he has given his monster permission to show itself to me. I know he will do all he can to keep it from his boy but he won’t have the strength to hid it from me. How could he? I see it too clearly.

Tonight I ate dinner in our bedroom. I said as few words as possible. I avoided eye contact. Tomorrow I will clean the house as much as I am possibly able to. I will try my damndest to be as close to perfect in order to avoid giving him a reason to be upset. It won’t be enough, I know. But I can try. And I will try again the day after that. Until he is able to get his hands on his medication and pull himself out of the darkness. Then he will apologize to me. I will have tears in my eyes. Shrug my shoulders. And say it’s ok. I love you. And move on.

And wait for the next cycle to begin.

~ Razz

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