I feel as if I am dancing on quicksand.
Is that an overly used metaphor? Sorry, I never claimed to be a great writer, I just wish I was.
On the surface everything seems relatively good. Good enough. I’m told by those who don’t know us well that we are the ideal relationship, the way we look at each other, the way he looks at me when I’m not looking, how tender I become when dealing with him, that finally I have found someone who is as much of a bad-ass as me. When I hear these things I get confused because behind closed doors I simply don’t see this.
Our relationship has its predictable revolutions after three years. I can see the silence coming. And I hate it with every fiber of my being. I am left in the cold feeling as if I have been punished like an abused puppy even though that isn’t the case at all. I know it is demons of old that he simply cannot slay. But damn it, I hate those demons. And I am angry as hell that our love is not strong enough to slay those fucking demons.
Once in awhile someone comes over and makes him laugh and I simultaneously treasure that moment I see him laugh because I don’t know when I will hear it again and I am jealous because I wasn’t the one who brought him joy…but at least I got to see it. I then notice the mask of fake joy he will wear for company. As soon as they leave he crawls even deeper into himself. And further away from me.
Right now his two youngest kids are here with us. I am seeing a side of him I have never before seen. I am seeing true happiness in him I think for the first time in three years. I have so many mixed up emotions over this ranging from guilt for feeling jealous to being so happy he gets to spend so much time with his kids. Most of all I am feeling fear of the future for when he must say good-bye and take them back to their mother. He won’t talk to me and he will withdraw further away.
He refuses to talk to me but I managed to get him to see a weekly therapist. I suppose that is better than nothing but he is still locked away from me. After three years and a diamond ring on my left hand I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this. Obviously, I am an open book. I love him but I am hungry for someone to be close to, to be intimate with, laugh, go on adventures, explore, travel, talk….I’m lonely. But damn it, I love him like no other…..