He’s Back…For Now

I noticed a few days ago a change in his behavior. This usually coincides with my inability to take one more day of being ignored. Is there something in his subconscious that tells him I’ve had enough and he finds his way back to me? Of course, I wasn’t exactly subtle this time. Last week I broke down into ugly cry. Earlier this week he asked me what was wrong and I replied with his favorite “nothing”. He told me he knew that was a lie. I quietly reminded him that was the response I always get from him. He said, “But I’m always lying.” “Yes, I know.”

Being with someone like him is not the easiest thing I have ever done, but I didn’t really expect it to be. What did I expect? Did I expect anything? Sometimes he is exactly the right fit. Other times….

A friend of ours is going through a rough spot. He is struggling with an old addiction and mental issues. He has convinced himself can’t deal with society as a whole unless he is fucked up. He has gotten too deep in his head. He looks at my guy as inspiration and feels that is where he wants to be. But he can’t see how wrong he is!!!

My guy doesn’t interact with ANYONE! He doesn’t go out. He works at the apartments we live at, he works in the kitchen of a small restaurant. The only difference between the two men is my guy only smokes pot and keeps his crazy to himself. My guy has literally zero social life. 97% of my friends have never met him and probably never will.  This is one of the major issues in our relationship that I absolutely abhor. I like to go out, be seen, talk, listen to music, socialize. He hates every single one of those things.

Another thing that is so very important to me is physical interaction. We can go two months or more without being intimate. I’ve learned to just give up and wait for him to come around. That really hurts me to the core. I’m a physical person. Touch means more to me than I can explain, and not just in a sexual manner. I’m going to school to be a massage therapist if that tells you anything….

Yesterday we were able to spend a little alone time together. Just the two of us. I asked him if he was back and he said he thinks so. I know what will happen. The next few weeks will be wonderful and I will forget all my doubts. I will be naive enough to think everything will be ok. Then slowly he will slip back. I will struggle to hang on. I will let go. Give up hope. Cry. Feel lonely. Then he will cycle back to me.

I’m getting dizzy.

I hate this.

Sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough. Sometimes I wonder if I am selfless enough.

~ Razz





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